


Derek's Journal

by Gifbase



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, Requested, Teen Wolf, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-23 20:57:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4891984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gifbase/pseuds/Gifbase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles loses the pack and then finds Derek's diary, or journal as he likes to call it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Stiles walked into the old abandoned house in Beacon Hill. He analysed his situation and decided that it was the best place to wait it out. He knew that they would be coming for him, everyone knew he was in Scott's pack, but what they didn't know is that now there is no pack. After Derek left Scott lost control of the pack and without a leader they decided to scatter. It was better then dying because their leader couldn't pull himself together. Stiles knew his days were numbered, but this was the place that he felt safe.

This was the place where the pack use to meet and he remembered every single meeting, every single conversation. He left the energy that the pack had in the walls and the floors, the whole building was silently teaming with life. He picked his favourite spot, the living room rocking chair. Every pack meeting this was his spot and everyone knew better then to take it. He smiled as he closed his eyes, recalling all the moments and all the people he missed the most. "I wish you were here." he said to himself and allowed his tired mind to rest, even if it was just for a little while.

Stiles couldn't get comfortable. There was something digging into his back and it was preventing the sweet sleep to overtake him. He sighed and opened his eyes. "What now?" he asked and got up. He touched the whole chair, and realised that there was something hidden in the back rest. He took out his trusted pocket knife and ripped open the backrest revealing a small leather bound book. He took it out and sat down on the couch. He opened it and couldn't help but smile, on the front page there was a picture of the whole pack, the original pack.

Stiles couldn't take his eyes off it. He ran his hand over the picture of Isaac, Erica, Vernon, Scott, Stiles, Peter, Alyson and Cora. It was the day everyone made up, just before Scott decided he wanted to do his own thing. All of them were happy, unaware and blissful, but happy. Now Erica, Vernon and Alyson are dead. Isaac, Peter, Scott and Cora have disappeared without even saying goodbye. He didn't want this to carry on, but he composed himself enough to turn the page.

"We are but, dust in the wind of life." Stiles read out loud. He recognised the handwriting but not the quote. He turned the page again and another picture, of Derek and his family. It was before the fire and Derek was a lot younger, but Stiles would recognise that face anywhere. Stiles didn't hide the fact he was looking for Derek from the Scott and the others, but they didn't seem to care particularly much because they knew he couldn't find him. It was Derek after all and he was nothing but the best, especially when it comes to hiding.

Stiles flipped another page, this time it was a picture of Derek and his basketball team. Derek once told Stiles that he didn't like High School and the only reason he went was to play basketball. A sport he never lost passion for no matter what people thought. Stiles would occasionally see him play when he came over. Derek always gave him that deathly glare and made him swear that he would never tell anyone about the sport he still loved. From then on the pages were all writing. Stiles didn't know if he should read through them, but in the end his curiosity got the better of him. He decided to start from the beginning and see how far he manages to go before they get to him.


	2. My Mother, The Alpha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek talks about his mother, for the first time in a long time.

* * * * * JOURNAL ENTRY - START * * * * *

My mother was a great leader, an alpha that was greatly sought after and I was proud to be a part of her pack. She never let anyone down and she would always be there for them. That's why I chose her as my prime example of what alpha should be and of who I should become, but can I really fit into that mould? Am I good enough to be at least half the alpha that she was? I don't think I can do this, but she always taught me to try my hardest and if it doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be and that is exactly what I'm going to do. I will be the best alpha I can be, the my pack and for her memory.

* * * * * JOURNAL ENTRY - END * * * * *

Stiles allowed the entry to sink in a moment. When he was younger he heard of the great Hale family and how powerful and influential they were, especially Derek's mum. Stiles always admired her, he always pictured his mother was an extension of hers and that's where he drew the power to carry on when times were tough. He didn't know why, but the woman had a way with people, especially those who needed her help. 'It's funny how now I'm thinking about it, but I never said it.' he thought, as he leaned back on the leather couch he was sitting on. Him and Derek never talked about what it was like before the fire.

* * * * * FLASHBACK -START * * * * *

Stiles walked into the school surrounded by fathers and mothers dropping of their children, whilst he was alone. He sighed, the acceptance of the fact his father was too busy grew on him over the year, and tried not to look at the faces of the happy families around him. "Hey there." a woman's voice rang in his ears and he turned around. He was faced with a beautiful, brown haired woman who looked so much like his mother his heart skipped a beat. "What are you doing here, all by yourself?" she asked and leaned down to look him straight in the eyes. "I'm going to school." he said, proud of the fact that he managed to find his way by himself and that he didn't need anyone's help. "And where are your parents?" she asked, it was obvious she was curious, but it was the voice of a concerned mother rather then a nosy parent. "My dad had to work." he admitted, not wanting to talk about his mother. She stood up and smiled at him, a warming and calming smile, and Stiles couldn't help but smile back. She nodded her head towards the school and Stiles disappeared through the doors with the crowd of children. "Stiles, wait for me." Scott, his best friend, called him and Stiles stooped and waited for him so that they can walk in together. He looked over at the direction of the woman and she was still there, smiling at him encouragingly.

* * * * * FLASHBACK - END * * * * *

Stiles opened his eyes, he never told anyone about that day, not even Scott. It was the first day of school and he was really scared, even though he wouldn't let anyone see it. If it wasn't for her, he would have never gone through the gates. She egged him on behind the scenes, where neither Scott not Stiles's father were watching. Stiles wasn't even sure if Derek knew, but he hoped that Derek had figured it out.

She was always there when school started, even when Derek changed grades and they were no longer in the same school. Everytime he wasn't sure if he shouldn't go into the building he would look in her direction and there was she egging him on. He smiled to himself, happy that he managed to meet her before the hunters took her away from both him and Derek.


	3. Derek's Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek's Transformation & basketball lessons.

* * * * * JOURNAL ENTRY - START * * * * *

I hate transforming. It's painful and tiring, so being able to swap back and forth was nothing short of a nuisance. I hated when my mother would make me sit and swap back and forth, she knew it would hurt but she always said "Once you get use to it, you'll barely feel it". She couldn't be more wrong, it never stopped hurting. Maybe she just lied to me so that I would turn whenever she wanted to me or whenever I has to. She knew I hated it, so I guess it would make sense. The full moon is especially painful, so I try not to turn then, but sometimes it's more difficult then it looks.

Another thing she told me, was that when you are an alpha all it does it get worse. You can't control the changes for a long time, so you're stuck shifting back and forth for the first two weeks on a seconds notice. If you would have told me that I would have been prepared, but she didn't and as a result I almost killed him...I barely regain control enough before I ripped his throat out in his sleep, I didn't leave my room for a month and every full moon I stay clear of anyone.

* * * * * JOURNAL ENTRY - END * * * * *

Stiles chocked on his own breath. A part of him wished that he could have taken Derek's pain away and the other part wished that it was never there in the first place. Either way, he didn't like the fact Derek hurt everytime he changed. He sighed and put down the journal, resting his head on his hands. He remembered every moment that Derek transformed to save him from trouble. If he would have known it was hurting him, then he would have tried to stop him. He started to cry, his body shaking slightly. 

* * * * * FLASHBACK -START * * * * *

Stiles texted Derek 'I need your help ASAP!' and Derek was there within seconds. It was obvious he shifted, his hair de-shuffled and he was slightly out of breath. "What?! What's the emergency?" Derek asked, catching his breath. "I need your help." Stiles said, his face serious as he looked Derek in the eyes. "Please will you teach me how to play basketball?" he asked, obviously concerned about the fact he couldn't play and only has a week to learn the basics. "You are joking right?" Derek asked, both angry and annoyed at him. Stiles wasn't discouraged though, him and Derek got a little bit closer, so it wasn't the first time Stiles came to him for help. Derek signed and grabbed the basketball in the corner. "Get a move on then." he said and walked down the hallways and outside. Stiles didn't even bother changing or putting on trainers, he run after him, happy that he agreed to help him.

Derek and him played basketball until early hours of the morning. Derek would show him what to do and Stiles would repeat it. Stiles accidentally, in this excitement about being able to learn, touched him once, but when Derek backed away and growled. Stiles made it his point not to do that again, he didn't want to bother Derek, especially since he was willing to teach a kid like himself.

* * * * * FLASHBACK - END * * * * *

Stiles couldn't hold back the tears anymore, both filled with pain and anger. He caused Derek pain, he caused Scott pain, he caused the pack pain and that's why they left him. All alone to be killed by those waiting for him outside.


	4. Last Bit of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is when Stiles realises there is hope left.

Stiles only snapped out of it when he heard a howl in the distance. He knew there were no wolves in Beacon Hill and knew they were coming for him, he was defenceless. Taking on a whole pack was something not even Derek would do, so there was no way that Stiles could even consider it.

* * * * * * JOURNAL START * * * * * *

There is power in numbers, but I didn't always listen. My mother knew that if I was alone it would get me into trouble, so she drilled into my head that I have to have a pack. After spending so long away, I thought it would be fine to deal with the situation by myself. I was wrong, deadly wrong. They wanted to kill him, I could sense that the minute they arrived, but he seemed to have given them the benefit of the doubt. I followed his lead for a change and I will never, ever, do that again.

For the first two weeks everything was fine, but then I sensed it in them. They knew how much he meant to me, so I knew they would attack him. I just didn't think they would every try it in pure daylight. I would have tried under the cover of the night, but then again attack when it's not expected. In the end I watched him 24/7 and he almost caught on, but somehow I could always cover it up. How I got away with that one I will never know. Also, how can 10 people disappear and he doesn't even notice is beyond me.

Future lesson: don't trust strangers, don't listen to him and remember that pack counts, but you can do it alone if you have to.

* * * * * * JOURNAL END * * * * * *

Stiles blinked a few times, the words 'you can do it alone' repeated in his head. Maybe Derek was right, maybe he can do it alone. He looked around the house for weapons, leaving the journal behind. If Derek has taught him anything during their training is that you can hide, surprise and attack without being noticed. All you have to have is patience and determination to succeed.

He walked upstairs and went through Derek's room. That would be the most likely place to find something to fight with. "Please, come on you have to help me out here." he said to himself. The fight in him, finally coming back, maybe just maybe he could pull this off. He could hear the howling outside the door, the wolves were scratching on the red door to the burnt house and he knew he was still defenceless. Putting distance between himself and the wolves made no difference.

He went through everything and couldn't find a single thing that could help him with the fight. "Please, just this once, luck be on my side." he said to himself, but by the time he finished this sentence the wolves were already inside. He closed the door and hoped that would buy him some more time. "You had to do this to me again, didn't you." he said, slowly collapsing his body against the door, putting his head on his hands. All of a sudden there was a loud door and a whine on the other side of the door....


	5. The Ghosts From The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ghosts come hunting back.

Stiles heard the footsteps behind the door. There was nothing to barricade the door with and nothing to defend himself. This was it, they were going to tear him apart in an old house, where he won't be found for a week or so because he told his father he's going on holiday. "Stiles, open the door." he heard from the other side. The voice was rough and deep, out of breath almost. Like someone has been running for a really long time and was now too tired to fight their way in. Stiles recognized the voice and his eyes snapped open. "It can't be, you're just imagining it." he said to himself, panic settling in and obvious in his voice. He closed his eyes as tight as he could.

* * * * * FLASHBACK - START * * * * *

Stiles could feel that something bad was going to happen soon. He walked into his house, his heart pounding in his chest. 'Please, don't let it be dad.' he thought to himself. He walked into the kitchen and relief washed over him as he realized his dad was fine. A bottle of whiskey opened on the table, two drinks in glasses. Stiles could feel his heart sink, his dad hasn't been drinking for a while now and if he started again then all it could mean was bad news.

"I'm sorry Stiles." his father said, his voice slow. It was obvious he's been drinking for a while before Stiles got there. "It's Derek." he added and Stiles felt like someone just ripped his heart out. He slid onto the chair and waited for his father to continue. "He is presumed dead, a body has been found on the mountainside. We can't identify it, but according to eye witnesses it matches Derek's description." His father said, his voice breaking at the end. Stiles wasn't listening anymore, the world went dark and silent. He downed the drink in front of him and managed to stand long enough to get to his room. The second he closed the door his legs gave way, he collapsed to the floor sobbing controllably. He couldn't hold the scream lodged in his throat anymore, allowing it to roar through the now silent house.

* * * * * FLASHBACK - END * * * * *

"Stiles please open the door." the voice repeated. Snapping Stiles out of his day dream. He got up slowly, shaking as he turned the doorknob. He knew of shape-shifters and other monsters that could be on the other side, but the hope was stronger then anything he felt before. The odds of the person on the other side being good were minimal, but he had to have hope, it was the only thing keeping him breathing. Despite it being a close call situation more often then not. He remembered all the moments that he was at the very end, all the moments that he was seconds away from giving up, and with that he turned the knob and opened the door.


	6. The Unlucky Ending?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles sees the man in his door, but does he really expect him to be there, or is it just a dream?

Stiles stopped, unable to move in anyway. The man in front of him should be dead, but he wasn't and Stiles didn't know how to feel about that. "You okay?" the man asked, his voice husky, and snapped Stiles out of his daydream. He threw his arms around the man's neck and kissed him before his brain could realised what he was doing. The man was shocked and it took him a second to realise what was happening. He wrapped his hands tighter around the smaller man in his arms, before smiling into the kiss.

The two of them broke apart because Stiles needed to breathe. "I missed you." he smiled into the man's neck and the man put his arms around him tighter. "I'm not going anywhere this time." the man commented, stoking Stiles's back reassuringly. "But I have to deal with the pack outside before they come in here." he continued as the howls outside grew closer. Stiles pried himself off the man and said "Want some help?" the man just chuckled and kissed Stiles quickly before disappearing outside. Leaving Stiles speechless and breathless.

He heard a few howls outside, then screams until finally everything went quiet. Stiles walked outside, confident the danger has passed, when he saw a wolf crawling slowly towards him. "No." he said to himself, quietly. Stiles run over to him as the wolf turned back into a human again. He wrapped his hands around the bleeding body. "No, I just got you back, please don't." he added, tears falling from his eyes. He didn't even both trying to stop them from falling. "Everything is going to be fine, just go to the house and find me the flower." he said calmly, giving smiles a bloody smile. Stiles nodded and run into the house, only to realise he didn't even know what the flower looked like.

"It's a blue one, in the journal." the man said from the outside, as though reading Stiles mind. Stiles run over the the journal and found the blue flower. He run back to the man and gave him the flower, unsure of what to do with it. The man put the flower into the wound and a scream filled the air the second the two connected. Stiles covered his ear and sighed. "Please, don't die." Stiles said and he watched the man in front of him turn and scream again then turn back. All of a sudden the screaming stopped and the man stopped breathing. "No, you promised, please no." Stiles said, putting his arms around the man and holding him tightly, willing him to come back by the pure force of willpower.

He stayed like that for a good 2 hours before hope started leaving him all together. He started repeating "Please wake up." over and over again more to himself then to the man in his arms.

 

 

 

All of a sudden the man's eyes opened and he chuckled lightly before saying "Didn't think you would get rid of me that easily did you?" Stiles couldn't help but smile and say "No, Derek, I really didn't." The two of them smiled at each other and Derek wrapped his hand around Stiles's neck before leaning him down and kissed him gently, happy to finally be home again.


End file.
